Retirement doesn’t have to be boring………

A few days ago my best friend from high school sent me a ‘Viet Nam Veteran’ cap. I never had one of these before, and I was pretty hyped about it, especially because my friend Ronn was considerate enough to take the time to give it to me.

Yesterday, I wore it when I went to Walmart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world’s largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic relief. Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment. But, I digress…enough of my psychological fixations.

While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, “Are you a Viet Nam Vet?”

“No,” I replied.

“Then why are you wearing that cap?”

“Because I couldn’t find the one from the War of 1812.” I thought it was a snappy retort.

“The War of 1812, huh?” the Walmartian queried, “When was that?”

God forgive me, but I couldn’t pass up such an opportunity.

“1936,” I answered as straight-faced as possible.

He pondered my response for a moment and responded, “Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?”

“It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it.”

This was beginning to be way fun!

“Dude! Really?” he exclaimed. “How did you get to do something that COOOOL?”

I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, “I’m not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission.”

“Dude,” he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, “that is seriously awesome! But, didn’t you kind of stand out?”

“Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage.”

The moron nodded knowingly.

“Listen man,” I said in a very serious tone, “You can’t tell anyone about this. It’s still ‘top secret’ and I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Oh yeah?” he gave me the ‘don’t threaten me look.’

“Like, what’s gonna happen if I do?” 

With a really hard look I said, “You have a family don’t you? We wouldn’t want anything to happen to them, would we?”

The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. By this time the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack she was laughing so hard. I just grinned at her.

After checking out and going to the parking lot I saw Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another ‘deadly’ serious look, I made the ‘I see you’ gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.

What a great time!

Tomorrow I’m going back with a Homeland Security cap.

Whoever said retirement is boring just needs the right kind of cap! 

Two elderly gentlemen………..

Two  elderly gentlemen from  a retirement center were sitting
on  a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: ‘Slim,  I’m
83  years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my  age.
How  do you feel?’
Slim  says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’
‘Really!?  Like a newborn baby!?’
‘Yep.  No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my  pants.’

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn’t you say?

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn’t you say?
 
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

 

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

______________

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

____________
No kidding, really? Ya think?
————————————————-

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

___________
Now that’s taking things a bit far!

————————————————-
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
______________

What a guy!
————————————————-

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

____________

No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s!
————————————————-Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

_____________
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
————————————————-

War Dims Hope for Peace
______________

I can see where it might have that effect!
————————————————-

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
______________

Ya think?!
————————————————-Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

____________ 
Who would have thought!
————————————————-

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

___________ 
They may be on to something!
————————————————-

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
______________

You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?
————————————————-

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

___________ 
He probably IS the battery charge!
———————————————-

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

___________ 
Weren’t they fat enough?!
———————————————–

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

_____________
That’s what he gets for eating those beans!
————————————————-

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

____________
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

__________

That’ll teach’m to be dropouts!
***************************************************

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

___________ 
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************

And the winner is….
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

______________

Did I read that right?
***************************************************

Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, at least once a day!

MEMORIAL DAY….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Armed Forces Day

Tick Removal

Tick Removal

A nurse discovered a safe, easy way to remove ticks where they automatically withdraw themselves when you follow her simple instructions. Read this one as it could save you from some major problems.

Tick Removal: Spring is here and the ticks will soon be showing their heads. Here is a good way to get them off you, your children or your pets. Give it a try.

A School Nurse has written the info below–good enough to share–and it really works!

“I had a pediatrician tell me what she believes is the best way to remove a tick. This is great because it works in those places where it’s sometimes difficult to get to with tweezers: between toes, in the middle of a head full of dark hair, etc.

“Apply a glob of liquid soap to a cotton ball. Cover the tick with the soap-soaked cotton ball and swab it for a few seconds (15-20); the tick will come out on its own and be stuck to the cotton ball when you lift it away. This technique has worked every time I’ve used it (and that was frequently), and it’s much less traumatic for the patient and easier for me.

“Unless someone is allergic to soap, I can’t see that this would be damaging in any way. I even had my doctor’s wife call me for advice because she had one stuck to her back and she couldn’t reach it with tweezers. She used this method and immediately called me back to say, “It worked!”

Something to think about – Microwave and its effect

Microwave and its effect

Below is a Science fair project presented by a In it she took
filtered water and divided it into two parts. The first part she heated to boiling
in a pan on the stove, and the second
part she heated to boiling in a microwave. Then after cooling she
used the water to water two identical
plants to see if there would be any difference in the growth between
the normal boiled water and the
water boiled in a microwave. She was thinking that the structure or
energy of the water may be
compromised by microwave. As it turned out, even she was amazed at
the difference, after the
experiment which was repeated by her class mates a number of times> and had the same result.

It has been known for some years that the problem with microwaved
anything is not the radiation
people used to worry about, it’s how it corrupts the DNA in the food
so the body can not recognize it.
Microwaves don’t work different ways on different substances.
Whatever you put into the microwave
suffers the same destructive process. Microwaves agitate the
molecules to move faster and faster.
This movement causes friction which denatures the original make-up of  the substance. It results in destroyed vitamins, minerals, proteins and generates the new stuff> called radiolytic compounds, things
that are not found in nature. So the body wraps it in fat cells to
protect itself from the dead food or it
eliminates it fast. Think of all the Mothers heating up milk in these
‘Safe’ appliances. What about the
nurse in Canada that warmed up blood for a transfusion patient and
accidentally killed him when the
blood went in dead. But the makers say it’s safe. But proof is in the
pictures of living plants dying!!!

FORENSIC RESEARCH DOCUMENT
Prepared By: William P. Kopp
A. R. E. C. Research Operations
TO61-7R10/10-77F05
RELEASE PRIORITY: CLASS I ROO1a

Ten Reasons to dispose off your Microwave Oven> From the conclusions of the Swiss, Russian and German scientific
clinical studies, we can no longer ignore
the microwave oven sitting in our kitchens. Based on this research,
one can conclude this article with the following:

1). Continually eating food processed from a microwave oven causes
long term – permanent – brain damage
by ‘shorting out’ electrical impulses in the brain [de-polarizing or
de-magnetizing the brain tissue].

2). The human body cannot metabolize [break down] the unknown>   by-products created in microwaved food.

3). Male and female hormone production is shut down and/or altered by continually eating microwaved foods.

4). The effects of microwaved food by-products are residual [long
term, permanent] within the human body.

5). Minerals, vitamins, and nutrients of all microwaved food is
reduced or altered so that the human body gets
little or no benefit, or the human body absorbs altered compounds
that cannot be broken down.

6). The minerals in vegetables are altered into cancerous free
radicals when cooked in microwave ovens.

7). Microwaved foods cause stomach and intestinal cancerous growths
[tumours]. This may explain the rapidly
increased rate of colon cancer in UK and America .

8). The prolonged eating of microwaved foods causes cancerous cells
to increase in human blood.

9). Continual ingestion of microwaved food causes immune system
deficiencies through lymph gland and blood
serum alterations.

10). Eating microwaved food causes loss of memory, concentration,
emotional instability, and a decrease of intelligence.

MALE V FEMALE AT THE ATM……………………

MALE V FEMALE AT THE ATM

  A new sign in the Bank reads:

‘Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM

  machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving

  their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the

 procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures

  have been developed.

Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.’

*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:

1… Drive up to the ATM.

2. LOWER your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and
     withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Raise window.

7. Drive off.

************************* ******

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

(Unfortunately, most of this is the Truth.!!)

1. Drive up to ATM machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window

     with the machine.

3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate

     card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its

     excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the

        inside back page.

11. Enter PIN .

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to ATM machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the

       slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and drive off.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for  2 miles .

27. Release Hand Brake.

SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND

TO THE LADIES YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT……………

Ed

A Hope for Today Award:

I was nominated for this lovely and honorable award by Debbie, who is a dear friend and a most wonderful and inspiring poet…I love all your work, Deb, and thank you so much…I am truly honored and humbled to be presented with this award.

The award at A Hope for Today promoting hope, love, peace, equality, and unity for all people.

The whole story behind this award is found here.

Or go to:http://ahopefortoday.com/2012/01/14/hope-unites-globally-hug-award-guidelines/

Once I learned all this award stands for my eyes welled. I can only hope that I will continue to inspire others to enjoy life, find inner peace, and to spread peace. To give them a sense of life being less complicated than they think it to be…To enjoy our freedom.

 

I nominate everyone in my blogroll….

 

 

Creative Chaos Award:

 I was nominated for  the Creative Chaos Award from Debbie.   I am truly honored and bless that you thought of me when you passed on this award…thank you!

The Rules

Firstly: Thank the person who gave you the Award.

Secondly: Take your best shot at the 3 tasks listed below.

Thirdly: Nominate 5 people who recently followed your blog.

First Task: Three weird things I  do:

1. I love hot stuff, but always put on too much hot sauce and can’t eat it… tooo HOT!

2. Sometimes I still think I’m young and can work like a teenager…. lol.

3. Sometimes I put on the wrong colored sockes…. they don’t match… one black & one blue.
   

Second Task: You must tell why you look at the “glass half full” scenario and ask “what? No coffee?”

Once I put to much sugar in my coffee and my wife say’s  “What no coffee with that?

Third Task: You find yourself in a desolate place when your car breaks down. You have no cellphone service, no Walmart, and only a candy bar for food. It is 150 miles to the closest town. What color are your under pants and why?

I’d be grateful for the candy bar…eat it while I waited for my husband to come look for me based on where I told him I was going…as I always do (including my routes.) My pants are? Well, I wouldn’t know unless I looked, and it would be the furthest thing on my mind at that time.

Now for the nominees…

I do not pick and choose from my blogroll as who I think deserves the awards, since I feel they all deserve it.  So for each and everyone of these awards I nominate my entire blogroll. If you find yourself on this list and do not wish to accept the awards…that is fine. there are no obligation or rules you must follow. You can just take them and enjoy them and know you are all worthy of them as far as I am concerned….Congrats to all of you!