Being 60+
Being 60+
Q: Where can women over the age of 60 find young, cute
men who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under FICTION.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year
old husband?
A: Tell him you’re pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you
walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you’re in front of a mirror, take off your
glasses.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with
short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a
problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year
olds when they enter antique stores?
A: “I remember these”.
Oh Happy Days:
FROM AN ALBERTA FARM KID,
NOW AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT.
Dear Ma and Pa: I am well. Hope you are.
Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.
Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m.,
but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things.
No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split,
fire to lay.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc,
but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food,
but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee.
Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.
It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.
We go on “route marches”, which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us.
If he thinks so,
it’s not my place to tell him different.
A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home.
Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot.
The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown.
They don’t bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.
I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why.
The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move,
and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home.
All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it You don’t even load your own cartridges.
They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat training.
You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.
It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home.
I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake.
I only beat him once.
He joined up the same time as me,
but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds, and he’s 6’8″ and weighs near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Gail.
THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER
THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER
OLD VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!
MODERN VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.
CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, ‘It’s Not Easy Being Green.’
ACORN stages a demonstration in front of the ant’s house where the news stations film the group singing, “We shall overcome.” Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper’s sake.
President Obama condemns the ant and blames President Bush, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper’s plight.
Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar and given to the grasshopper.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn’t maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and once peaceful, neighborhood.
The entire Nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world with it.
I’ve sent this to you because I believe that you are an ant – not a grasshopper! Make sure that you pass this on to other ants. Don’t bother sending it on to any grasshoppers because they wouldn’t understand it, anyway.
skipper12383 